It was what felt like an earth shaking revelation, but it came to me in a quiet whisper as I sat swinging with raindrops falling around me one by one. My marriage is not the problem. My fear is. Sounds simplistic, but it shook me to my core to realize I'd been looking at the wrong thing for all this time. Fear told me my marriage was in trouble. This same fear took isolated events (well, maybe not so isolated, there are a lot of them) and used them as negative reinforcement of that fear, causing even more distress, anxiety and heartache. Even as I write this I am deluged with thoughts about the issues and trials that do exist in my marriage. But things that would normally seem small and sometimes even trivial are blown into these seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Then the things that are already kind of big and truly important just cause me to shut down. I become a basket case. However, at the true heart of the issue lies one thing....fear.
Realizing that fear is the root of the issue has empowered me to attack this problem in a whole new light. I was spending so much time and energy trying to fix my marriage but even if everything had suddenly become perfect, the true problem would still be there, because I never addressed the root of it all. Fear magnifies every negative and belittles every positive. But I know where the fear and the magnification of these thoughts is coming from. I know Who to give it to. I fail to do that so often and end up suffering needlessly.
Jesus, give me strength to lay my fears at your feet and leave them there. Allow me to experience the peace of surrendering myself to the One who is and has always been in control. Help me to stop trying to control everything out of fear. Help me to be still and rest in Your peace. Help me to find wholeness and healing in You alone. Help me to be a light to others who feel the darkness closing in on them and feel that hope is gone. And help me to be the friend that my husband needs me to be, even when I long to be so much more. Use me God. For your glory. Not mine