The protective cushioning of denial has been slowly eroding and as it chips away, the depths of despair are ever deeper. My heart screams out that this can't be real, it can't be happening, but reality screams back at me that I need to wake up. I can't even fully process how bad I hurt... I know that is because some part of my mind has attempted to protect me from the full force of the rejection and betrayal that I feel. I can't even articulate the strange dichotomy going on in me. I thought I knew pain. I'm realizing what a buffer denial provided. Now that it's wearing away I'm sinking lower and lower.
I know You are there. I know You're working all things out for my good, but that just seems so distant and far away. I have to survive to get there, and right now, I don't want to. I want to escape this pain that threatens to consume my entire existence. I know that I have to hold it together to take care of my girls. I don't know if I can do it. I can't... At least not alone. God- I need you like I have never needed you before. Please, I beg of you, help my unbelief. I am losing hope, God. I don't want to let go of him. I don't want to concede defeat. But I am terrified that I don't have any choice in the matter. I don't understand what happened. I don't understand how I arrived at this desolate location where I feel so far removed from what I once was. Can we truly be over? Oh, God, please don't let it be so.
I know that I can survive without him. I know that life can be good again one day. I know that Your plan is best. I know that You are working all things out for good. I know that I have to combat what I feel with the truth of Your Word, because what I feel is a hollow despair that begs to be numbed. I have had such a hard time making myself open the Bible or even some of my books. I don't know why, but I know it's making this time even worse. God, please. Help me. Give me the strength to put on your armor. The enemy can smell victory and he's closing in for the kill shot. Please protect me from him. Please protect my whole family from him. We've been his targets for way too long. Please save us from him. Help us to resist his lies and his manipulations. Help us to stand in your strength and not our own.
Please, help me, God. The pain begs me to breathe it in and drown in it. Help me to walk across this ocean of despair instead of sinking into it. Help me to keep my eyes on you. Help me to remember your promise in Isaiah 43:2 - You will be with me when I pass through the waters, and when I pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm me. Only with your help, my Lord, is this possible. Thank you for your faithfulness and your love, and most of all, your overwhelming grace that comes like a breath of fresh air just when I think I have breathed my last. Thank you that our pain is never wasted. Thank you for keeping track of our tears. Thank you for your intercession. Thank you, God. Just thank you!