Friday, May 15, 2015

A Love Letter to my Father

I look at the amazing masterpiece that you have created and marvel at how you brought so much beauty out of the wreckage of my life. There were times I absolutely could not see your hand in my life no matter how hard I looked. I felt abandoned, rejected, alone... But I never was. You were at work behind the scenes the whole time. Through the hard times, you carried me. Even though I couldn't feel you, you were there every single moment.

Looking back now I can see you so clearly. The simple words from caring family and friends. The hugs from people at church. The time off work when I desperately needed it. The connections made with strangers going through the same things I was going through. You orchestrated it all. You promised you would never leave or forsake me. How ashamed I am that I ever questioned your presence, yet I know you understand intimately. You are a man acquainted with sorrow, and it's in the most sorrowful moments of our life that we can experience the amazing comfort only you can provide.

I was recently challenged to think about what my dreams are for myself. I want to be a source of your comfort for others. I want to help people who feel like they have no where to turn. I want them to experience the hope that comes from knowing you care. I want them to see that people have survived the very things that they think they can't possibly survive. I want to show them that they can thrive, not just survive. I want to point them to you, Father.

Maybe it's through a Facebook message, or this blog, or even writing a book. Maybe one day it's speaking to thousands of women on stage. However big or small, I want to honor you and share you with the suffering women that you bring my way. Dream for me, Father, because I dream too small. Help me see every opportunity that you send my way. Help me not to overlook the small things or fear the big things. After all, you are with me, and will equip me to do what you've called me to do. <3


Saturday, May 9, 2015

Unanswered Prayers

Do you ever look back in life and echo Garth Brook's sentiment "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers"? I think we have all had at least one experience where we are able to look back on a request we made and rejoice that God did not choose to answer in the manner that we sought at the time. Unfortunately, more often than not we don't have that luxury and I think it's our tendency to question why He didn't do as we asked.

If we are honest with ourselves, sometimes we view Him as a Genie that exists to grant our wishes. We think to ourselves that we've lived up to our end of the bargain by trying to live right and pray, and we expect Him to reward our efforts by answering our prayers just as we pray them. I'm being very transparent here when I say that I have felt this way at times.

When my marriage began falling apart, my first instinct was to run even harder after God and really soak Him in. As I grew closer to Him and made Him a larger part of my life, I began to expect Him to work things out in my life. When things not only grew worse in my marriage, but my children began struggling with self harm and suicidal thoughts and actions, I began to question. I could not understand what God was doing, and I couldn't understand why prayer and fasting weren't bringing me the results I wanted.

Initially, I felt very much abandoned by God.  I felt as if He were ignoring my prayers. And I’ve learned that many other women can relate to that feeling at some point in their lives. That is when the truth contained in a quote I read recently by Tim Keller really needs to be taken to heart. “God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything He knows”. We know in our hearts that God is good, and that He wants the best for us. But we get so caught up in the immediate, in the little picture. We lack the ability to see into the future and see how things turn out. But if we could... we would ask for very different things than what we ask for now.

Over time, with continued prayer, therapy and medication, my girls began to heal. As a result of what they have been through, they have a heart to help those that are in similar situations. They can relate to struggling peers in a way that someone who has never suffered could. After much prayer, I also realized that my marriage was over and that it was time for me to move on. As a result of what I have been through, I can encourage women that are victims of adultery, women that have been abandoned and rejected by the one that pledged to love them most, moms that have watched their children struggle with depression and self harm, and women that have begged God to die so they could escape the pain. Do I understand why God didn't make us able to relate without having to suffer ourselves? No. But I know that He redeems our pain when we use our story to help other people. And it's not just our story. It's His story as well. The story of how He carried us through a time that we were incapable of getting ourselves through. The story of how He was there for every tear that was cried.

There are so many people out there going through the same struggles, but we're not real with each other. We paint on a smile and pretend that everything is dandy. I've had so many people share with me that they have had some of the same struggles that I've had or that my children have had. We need more of that transparency. Do not let Satan shame you into silence. It's in speaking out and seeking help that healing begins. I don't know where I would be without the prayers of my family, friends and church family. Was it easy to admit that I needed help? No. And honestly there were very few that knew just how much help I needed until I began to heal and shared just how bad things had gotten. The support that I received made me wish I had been much more transparent and open during the deepest parts of the struggle. Reaching out is hard. I know!! But the benefits are worth the discomfort.

So let me encourage you with this. If you could see the same plan God sees, your prayers would be very different. Paul, a man that was imprisoned on more than one occasion for sharing the gospel penned the following words. "Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel." Philippians 1:12. Perhaps God is working in you to create a story that will help someone struggling in this painful world. Perhaps He is creating in you a testimony that not only inspires others, but points them right to the Great Physician, the only one that can truly heal our aching hearts. Whatever He is asking you to go through, He will also carry you through. And ultimately, if we ourselves could see as God sees, we'd say "Thank you". Even the very worst things that we suffer can be redeemed and given purpose.

Trust in what you know, and what God tells us in His Word. God is good. Even when life isn't. I struggled. I cried, begged and pleaded for things to be different. And they are. Not in the way I expected them to be, but in ways that are so much better. Let God dream for you. Let Him mold you into the person He designed you to be. The process may be painful, but the finished product is worth it!

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Speak Life



If someone walked up to you and called you a pathetic loser what would your reaction be? For some the reaction would include a punch in the face. Some of us would be able to ignore them and walk away shaking our head at their audacity. Some would internalize the words and contemplate if there was any truth to them, but most likely conclude the person making the statement was just a jerk.

How often do we tell ourselves things we would not tolerate or even believe from another person? Why is it that we find it acceptable to tear ourselves down, but we wouldn’t let someone else do it to us? How often do we label ourselves negatively? Words like fat, ugly, failure, worthless, stupid, etc. The list goes on and on with the garbage that we allow to fill our minds about ourselves. I am just as guilty as you are. We are speaking death to our spirit instead of speaking life.


Why is it so much easier to talk down to ourselves? It’s because speaking life requires intentionality. It requires knowing who we are in Christ, and how He views us. The only way to be able to do this is if we fill ourselves with the Word of God. He gave us this amazing love letter so we would know just how loved we are, but if we don’t read it and soak it in, we’ll never know the love He has for us. 

Easter will be upon us soon, and with that comes horrific mental images of the crucifixion. I have not yet been able to make myself watch “The Passion of the Christ” because of those images. In the crucifixion scenes I have watched in various movies, I flinch at every lash of the whip and the sound of the nails being hit that pierced His hands and feet. I want to close my eyes and hide from the reality of what Jesus endured because of sin, including MY sin. But the most amazing thing is His motive. Hebrews 12:2 tells us the he endured the cross “for the joy that lay before Him”. What was that joy? Redeeming fallen man; erasing our sin debt by nailing it to the cross (Colossians 2:14). That is love beyond words. 

Loved, redeemed, forgiven, cherished, favored... This, my friend, is what we are; who we are. Not the ugly names that we have for ourselves. Internalize the truth of the Gospel, and the reality of His love and affection for us. It’s life changing!

Yahweh your God is among you, a warrior who saves. He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will bring you quietness with His love. He will delight in you with shouts of joy. Zephaniah 3:17

Casting all your care on Him, because He cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7

Look at how great a love the Father has given us that we should be called God’s children. 1 John 3:1a