Sunday, September 1, 2013

No More Fairy Tale

Is there anything more painful than watching your "happily ever after" morph into "once upon a time"? If there is, I don't want to ever experience it. I have tried several times to make myself write...errrr...type up this post, but I was afraid of being too transparent, or sharing too much. I decided I needed prayer more than I needed to protect anyone. I am shattered on the inside. I have watched my husband pull further and further into himself and build walls that I can't penetrate or climb over, and I have tried. I know that all things work together for good. I know that nothing happens to me that God doesn't allow. I know God is good. But I also know the awful pain of looking at the emptiness inside his eyes... I know the pain of hearing "I love you" less and less frequently. I know the pain of watching happy couples and feeling an ache inside that I can't even describe. For those of you that have struggled with infertility, you know the ache I am talking about. It's the same one you get when yet another friend announces they are pregnant, and you still aren't... It's the same ache you get when you're late but the test is negative once again. It's a pain that seems to be bottomless. Every time you think you get a handle on it, it comes out of no where and hits you like a ton of bricks. I never in a million years thought I'd be here... I keep hoping that I'll wake up and realize that it was all just a pizza and chocolate induced nightmare, but every day it's the same thing. I can lay right next to him but there's a gulf between us that I can't cross. We need prayer, desperately. I know God is going to turn this around, but please pray for us in the meantime.

I'm clinging to the promises in God's Word. His grace is sufficient for me - His strength is made perfect in my weakness - all things work together for good - I can do ALL things through Christ - the effectual fervent prayers of a righteous man availeth much - delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart - God is near to the broken hearted - He knows every tear I have cried.

I just read one that I am laying ahold of and not letting go of until I see it come to fruition...

Psalm 138:8
The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me...

I'm trusting you, God, through the pain. I lift my hands to you, and though my hallelujah may be hoarse, I will still sing your praises. You are good, even when life is not, and through it all, you work it out for our good. When the pain seems unbearable, help me to remember that I am not alone.
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