Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Behind the Smile

I used to be the girl that could hide everything behind a smile. Somewhere along the way, I became a lot more transparent. I guess sometimes that's a good thing? Sometimes we really just want to hide and pretend that life is peachy, and not have people look at us questioningly. Sometimes we don't want to talk about why we want to curl up in a ball and cry until we fall asleep. Sleep...that blessed escape.

I find myself in such a profound sadness right now. I hurt physically. I hurt emotionally. I hurt spiritually. I have been on such an emotional roller coaster lately. I know that tomorrow, I may be heading back up to the top of the coaster. Or the next day. I know it's coming. I know I won't stay where I'm at. But even that's little consolation to me right now. Here is what is a consolation though... I'm so glad I serve a God that loves broken people. I don't have to keep it together for Him. I can fall apart right into His arms and be loved unconditionally. I can't earn His love, and I can't lose His love. I just have it. What a comfort for me. Even when I don't understand His plan, I know, feel and trust His love.

I'm not a big Freud fan, but I do love this quote of his - "One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful". I have seen in my own life the beauty of surrendering it all to God, especially when there is simply no other option. You give it all to Him, and trust Him to make something beautiful out of the ashes and dust of your shattered dreams and plans. Only God can turn our messes into something beautiful, but it's only after we realize we can't do it on our own and surrender it to Him. And oftentimes what He makes of it is so much more than we ever would have asked for, or even imagined.

Have you ever heard the expression about having champagne taste on a beer budget? I think we have a tendency to be the opposite way with God. We ask for so much less than what He truly wants to give us, and I can just imagine the delight He takes in overwhelming us with His goodness. I know as a parent, I love giving my kids something bigger than what they were expecting. How much more must He love it?!?

Give me eyes to see You God, and not my circumstances. Give me a heart that yearns for intimacy with You. Give me a thirst for your Word. Mold me into the woman you created me to be, in spite of my getting in Your way time and time again.

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