Monday, October 28, 2013

Never Alone

I have contemplated this blog post day after day after day, and I still just don't know what to write. Life goes on around me, and nothing is different in the world. The sun still shines, the days turn to nights, and the stars still twinkle, yet my whole world has been rocked.

Even in the midst of what is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through, I have experienced the peace of God in a way I never have before, although every so often Satan will try to convince me what I feel is denial instead of faith. I know the truth though. My Father has promised me that He hears me, and that He will answer me. He's been telling me for a while that He needs to be first in my life, and enough for me, and I just didn't know how to make it happen. When He takes away what comes before Him, it becomes much easier....

When I feel like I can't take one more breath without completely shattering, He envelopes me in His arms. When the tears feel like they will never stop, He reminds me that His love never fails, never ends, and never leaves. He's so much more than I deserve, yet He loves me with a love beyond comprehension.

I thanked God today for bringing me to this place that has completely broken me. There are some attributes of God you can't fully appreciate unless you are first broken. I know that even if my marriage is never restored, He will work this all out for my good. He never promises life won't hurt, but that hurt is not wasted. Nothing catches Him by surprise, and nothing is unable to be redeemed or restored. I will cry many more tears before healing or restoration takes place, but I'm never without hope, for my hope is found in Him. And He not only understands my tears, but I believe He sheds them along with me. He's no stranger to rejection and betrayal. I'm so thankful for the humanity of Jesus. I'm thankful for Jesus, period.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Behind the Smile

I used to be the girl that could hide everything behind a smile. Somewhere along the way, I became a lot more transparent. I guess sometimes that's a good thing? Sometimes we really just want to hide and pretend that life is peachy, and not have people look at us questioningly. Sometimes we don't want to talk about why we want to curl up in a ball and cry until we fall asleep. Sleep...that blessed escape.

I find myself in such a profound sadness right now. I hurt physically. I hurt emotionally. I hurt spiritually. I have been on such an emotional roller coaster lately. I know that tomorrow, I may be heading back up to the top of the coaster. Or the next day. I know it's coming. I know I won't stay where I'm at. But even that's little consolation to me right now. Here is what is a consolation though... I'm so glad I serve a God that loves broken people. I don't have to keep it together for Him. I can fall apart right into His arms and be loved unconditionally. I can't earn His love, and I can't lose His love. I just have it. What a comfort for me. Even when I don't understand His plan, I know, feel and trust His love.

I'm not a big Freud fan, but I do love this quote of his - "One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful". I have seen in my own life the beauty of surrendering it all to God, especially when there is simply no other option. You give it all to Him, and trust Him to make something beautiful out of the ashes and dust of your shattered dreams and plans. Only God can turn our messes into something beautiful, but it's only after we realize we can't do it on our own and surrender it to Him. And oftentimes what He makes of it is so much more than we ever would have asked for, or even imagined.

Have you ever heard the expression about having champagne taste on a beer budget? I think we have a tendency to be the opposite way with God. We ask for so much less than what He truly wants to give us, and I can just imagine the delight He takes in overwhelming us with His goodness. I know as a parent, I love giving my kids something bigger than what they were expecting. How much more must He love it?!?

Give me eyes to see You God, and not my circumstances. Give me a heart that yearns for intimacy with You. Give me a thirst for your Word. Mold me into the woman you created me to be, in spite of my getting in Your way time and time again.