(un)Happy Holidays

Have you ever struggled to contain a bundle of volatile emotions that are begging to be released? Have you ever felt like you succeeded only to have an avalanche of tears appear out of nowhere at the worst possible moment?  This has happened to me many times, and I am sure you can relate as well. If I can be a little blunt and potentially offensive, I have come to the conclusion that it is similar to trying to hold your bladder until a better time. At some point, it will empty, whether you are ready or not. 

So why do we try to hold it in instead of releasing it before it’s involuntary? For me, many times it is because I do not want to appear not to have it together. But you know what the truth of the matter is? I don’t have it together a lot of the time. Sometimes, many times actually, I put on a smile and attempt to fake it until I make it. Sounds like a lot of work, doesn’t it? Oh my... you have NO idea. So you are probably wondering why I bother. 

Where to start... Well, sometimes I feel as if people expect that I should be over the loss of my marriage or further along in the healing process. After all, it was over a year ago that he left the first time. But as naïve as it may be, I fully expected things to work out each time he came back home. So each time he left, it was a little bit like starting over. A dream died once again. I was alone once again. I was grieving a loss once again. 

Recently there have been many things on the radio or on various blogs about coping with loss during the holidays. Some people are missing family and friends due to death. Some are missing them due to physical distance. Some people are missing loved ones by that loved one’s choice. All of these hurt. And for some reason, sometimes, the pain is glossed over, as if a joyous holiday is somehow supposed to erase that pain. I’d say for most of us experiencing the suffering, the holidays emphasize that pain. Do you ever struggle with not being able to fully enjoy this season and feel guilty?

Why do we have this idea that we cannot feel our pain and still be joyous over the birth of our Savior? Why do we feel that it cheapens the birth of Christ that we mourn the death or loss of someone we love? I know for me, it’s not just the family aspect of the season that makes it painful without my husband, although that certainly aches. It is the actual celebration of Christ’s birth. I served alongside my husband for years in our church. Every Christmas event that our church participates in year after year is something that we did together. We celebrated the reason for the season together. And then I look at where he is spiritually and it almost hurts physically. 

Do you know what I find comfort in? Jesus mourns right along with me. While I feel as if I am the one my husband is rejecting, it is really just the fallout of him rejecting Jesus. When it hurts me on the deepest level to walk into church without my husband, when I want to cry looking at where we used to sit together, it hurts Jesus too. And He does NOT expect me to be able to hold it together. He does not expect me to pretend it does not hurt. He just wants me to allow Him to be the one to hold me together, because on my own, I cannot do it. When He sees your loss, He aches with you. Death was never what He wanted for us, and He knows it hurts. 

So this season, if you are tempted to try holding it together on your own, for whatever reason, let Jesus hold you together instead, because in Him all things hold together. (Colossians 1:17) And allowing Him to be the one to hold us together allows us to experience our raw, honest emotions with Him by our side, and what greater comfort is there? To be held by the One that collects our tears; the One that endured ultimate suffering; the only One that will never leave us; the only One that will never forsake us; the One that does not condemn our brokenness, but instead glories in being the glue that makes us whole in Him.

he loves me not, He loves me

“You’re fat. And ugly.

You’re worthless. No one will ever love you.

No one ever has loved you.

The best years of your life are over...

You’ll be miserable and die alone. Lonely.

Your life makes no difference,

And your death won’t either.”

As Satan pauses to take a breath,

That still small voice speaks up,

Caressing me with its gentleness and affection.

A whisper that roars over the vulgar rantings of the evil one...

“My child, you are beautiful,

For I knit you together - In my image.

You are beautiful inside and out.

You are worth more than anything on this earth.

You were worth the life of my son, my only son.

He loves you. I love you.

Before you even existed – we loved you.

The best is yet to come; when you stand before me

And feel my love envelope you, filling every void you have ever felt.

Your last breath on earth will be followed

By your first breath with me!  

And only then will you see just how important

Your life was, as you tried to serve me.

Only then will you know the role you played

In the eternal lives of those you knew and loved

And in the lives of people you didn’t even know.

Where you lacked, I was there to fill in the gap.

My child, you were chosen. You were pursued.

Don’t ever believe otherwise,

For it cheapens the amazing gift I gave you.

I know you inside and out.

I see you when you are in pain, struggling to believe.

Struggling to maintain your faith, unsure if you even have any.

That struggle does not make me love you any less.

Even when you have turned your back on me,

I’ve never loved you less.

I have always and will always be by your side.

Do not listen to the voice of the accuser.

Do not let him cause you to doubt what I have promised.

Rest in me, my love. And trust me.

I have never failed you,

And I never will.

What Does Faith Look Like?

Have you ever asked yourself what faith actually looks like in someone's life? Or were you like me and assumed faith meant never doubting, never fearing and never questioning? Of course thinking like that will lead you to the assumption that you lack faith. Perhaps you can relate to that quite well. I've been thinking about faith a lot lately and I have come to the conclusion that, sometimes, explaining what faith is is best done by contrasting it with what it isn't.

Faith is not a lack of doubt. It is obedience in spite of your doubt. It is hope in spite of your doubt. It is looking at an impossible situation and accepting that nothing is impossible with God. God desires to bring glory to Himself. How much greater glory can He receive than making what seems impossible in our eyes actually happen? Faith says even though what I'm going through stinks, there is a purpose and God is always in control of the situation. When our flesh cries out "ENOUGH!! I cannot handle anymore!", faith is what enables us to continue living and hoping and praying when the situation fails to change. 

Faith is not a lack of fear. It's choosing to believe or act in spite of your fear. Fear may say that something can't be done, but faith encourages us to try anyway. Faith is not always having hope. There may be times you despair and lose hope, but faith eventually brings it back. Faith is not living without the question "why?" but accepting that even though we may not ever know why, God has a good reason and we ultimately receive good out of it. 

In the midst of your doubt, fear and questioning - when you don't like a situation, much less understand why it's happening - do you continue to go to God in prayer about it? Do you pray even when you feel hopeless and a positive outcome seems impossible? That, my dear friend, is faith! When you fall on your knees before God and pour your heart out to Him and give Him your burdens to carry - that is faith. When you keep asking even though it seems He isn't listening - that is faith. When you choose to praise Him before your prayer is answered - that is faith. When you praise Him for His goodness although all around you is despair and darkness - that is faith. When He answers your prayer in a way you don't necessarily like but you praise Him anyway - that is faith. Faith enables us to believe that all the answers we lack, He knows, and He'll give us exactly what we need at the moment we need it and not a moment sooner or later.

A Prayer Through the Pain

The protective cushioning of denial has been slowly eroding and as it chips away, the depths of despair are ever deeper. My heart screams out that this can't be real, it can't be happening, but reality screams back at me that I need to wake up. I can't even fully process how bad I hurt... I know that is because some part of my mind has attempted to protect me from the full force of the rejection and betrayal that I feel. I can't even articulate the strange dichotomy going on in me. I thought I knew pain. I'm realizing what a buffer denial provided. Now that it's wearing away I'm sinking lower and lower.

I know You are there. I know You're working all things out for my good, but that just seems so distant and far away. I have to survive to get there, and right now, I don't want to. I want to escape this pain that threatens to consume my entire existence. I know that I have to hold it together to take care of my girls. I don't know if I can do it. I can't... At least not alone. God- I need you like I have never needed you before. Please, I beg of you, help my unbelief. I am losing hope, God. I don't want to let go of him. I don't want to concede defeat. But I am terrified that I don't have any choice in the matter. I don't understand what happened. I don't understand how I arrived at this desolate location where I feel so far removed from what I once was. Can we truly be over? Oh, God, please don't let it be so.

I know that I can survive without him. I know that life can be good again one day. I know that Your plan is best. I know that You are working all things out for good. I know that I have to combat what I feel with the truth of Your Word, because what I feel is a hollow despair that begs to be numbed. I have had such a hard time making myself open the Bible or even some of my books. I don't know why, but I know it's making this time even worse. God, please. Help me. Give me the strength to put on your armor. The enemy can smell victory and he's closing in for the kill shot. Please protect me from him. Please protect my whole family from him. We've been his targets for way too long. Please save us from him. Help us to resist his lies and his manipulations. Help us to stand in your strength and not our own.

Please, help me, God. The pain begs me to breathe it in and drown in it. Help me to walk across this ocean of despair instead of sinking into it. Help me to keep my eyes on you. Help me to remember your promise in Isaiah 43:2 - You will be with me when I pass through the waters, and when I pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm me. Only with your help, my Lord, is this possible. Thank you for your faithfulness and your love, and most of all, your overwhelming grace that comes like a breath of fresh air just when I think I have breathed my last. Thank you that our pain is never wasted. Thank you for keeping track of our tears. Thank you for your intercession. Thank you, God. Just thank you!

I Surrender All

So, this is going to be pretty personal, but I feel led to share. Have you ever felt like God wanted you to surrender something to Him, but you weren't quite willing to actually do so, so you offer up everything else but that one thing? Let me go back quite a few months...

Beginning in April, there was a growing distance between my husband and I that I fought to erase. I chased and pulled and clung to him and did everything I could think of, in complete desperation. I was almost in a frenzy trying to win him back. In July we went to teen camp and I felt God asking me to surrender my all to Him. I went forward to the altar and told God I would surrender everything to Him, but please don't ask me to surrender my family- namely my husband. I knew that during this time of trying to win my husband's affections again that I had elevated him to a place that only God belonged. I wasn't quite willing to let go of that yet.

After camp things continued to deteriorate and I grew more and more desperate. I was clinging to God and begging Him to fix things, but I still hadn't come to the place where I had put Him back in the number one position. In August, my husband went on a missions trip, and was gone for 9 days. They were among the worst days of my life(up to that point). I missed him so much. I cried every day. I knew that the way I missed him seemed overly dramatic, but no one saw the fear I had inside that he would realize how much he enjoyed being away from me.

During this time, I decided to join in our church's challenge to read the New Testament during the month of August trying to find peace in God's Word. The first few days were uneventful, but then I came to the verses that changed my life.

“Simon, Simon, look out! Satan has asked to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And you, when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” Luke 22:31-32

I have read these verses before. More than once. But when I read them on August 8 they jumped right off the page at me. I began to study them. When Jesus said this to Simon, he was telling Simon that Satan wanted to sift the all of the apostles like wheat. The original Greek word for that first "you" was plural. But then Jesus told Simon that He had prayed for him specifically. I saw "Simon, Simon", but what I was hearing inside was "Jeannie, Jeannie, look out! Satan has asked to sift your family like wheat. But I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And you, when you have turned back, strengthen your family." That day I knew God was calling me to surrender everything to Him. Everything. And this time I was willing. I wrote by the verses in my Bible "I surrender all - 8/8/13"

I also felt called. To something... but to what I did not immediately know. Even not knowing exactly what I was agreeing to do, I felt that it would involve trying to encourage other people. In my small minded way of thinking, I thought maybe this blog was it, although the thought of sharing such intimate things about myself in trying to encourage others was quite intimidating. It wasn't very long afterward when God revealed what He had in mind for me. And suddenly a blog wasn't so intimidating!

During this time of extreme stress in my marriage, I had sought help from a Biblical counselor. During one of my conversations with her when I was sharing the feeling that God was calling me to something she asked me a question. She asked if I had ever considered counseling others. Ummm... yes! I had a major interest in psychology and had thought in the past that I would love to be a counselor. When she asked me that it was as if God was saying to me, "This is what I have planned for you. Not only are you going to strengthen your family, you are going to strengthen other families through marriage and family counseling."

But, as is typical when God asks me to do something, I begin to think of reasons why I can't. "Lord, my own marriage is falling apart. How in the world can I counsel anyone else? Who would want my advice?" Shortly after that, my husband ended up moving out. Naturally, that just furthered my idea that I was not qualified for this. Then I saw a quote that says "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called". I think of Moses and his denials that he was the man for the job God called him to. I think of the fact that God created Moses so He certainly knew whether or not he was suited to the job. And the same can be said of me. God created me and He had a plan and a purpose for me long before I was ever born. If He calls you to do something, it is because He created you to do that very thing.

Although my husband still isn't back, I have faith that he will be back and our marriage will grow stronger than ever. And it will be out of what seemed to be the ashes of my marriage that I will have developed the empathy, sympathy, and compassion needed to counsel those that find themselves in similar situations. I will have been qualified by the very one that carried me through the days I didn't know if I could walk out the door and face the world without losing it.

I still don't have it all together and many days I fall victim to the lies of Satan and mourn my marriage as if it were over. There are still days I beg God to end this now, even though I know He will not let this last any longer than needed to prepare me for what He has prepared for me, and to refine me. But it is through the brokenness that He will be able to shine through. And that's what I want to come of all of this. I want people to see God through me. It's time to pull myself up by the bootstraps, and squeeze every possible lesson out of this trial, and begin to strengthen my family and sisters in Christ.

Never Alone

I have contemplated this blog post day after day after day, and I still just don't know what to write. Life goes on around me, and nothing is different in the world. The sun still shines, the days turn to nights, and the stars still twinkle, yet my whole world has been rocked.

Even in the midst of what is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through, I have experienced the peace of God in a way I never have before, although every so often Satan will try to convince me what I feel is denial instead of faith. I know the truth though. My Father has promised me that He hears me, and that He will answer me. He's been telling me for a while that He needs to be first in my life, and enough for me, and I just didn't know how to make it happen. When He takes away what comes before Him, it becomes much easier....

When I feel like I can't take one more breath without completely shattering, He envelopes me in His arms. When the tears feel like they will never stop, He reminds me that His love never fails, never ends, and never leaves. He's so much more than I deserve, yet He loves me with a love beyond comprehension.

I thanked God today for bringing me to this place that has completely broken me. There are some attributes of God you can't fully appreciate unless you are first broken. I know that even if my marriage is never restored, He will work this all out for my good. He never promises life won't hurt, but that hurt is not wasted. Nothing catches Him by surprise, and nothing is unable to be redeemed or restored. I will cry many more tears before healing or restoration takes place, but I'm never without hope, for my hope is found in Him. And He not only understands my tears, but I believe He sheds them along with me. He's no stranger to rejection and betrayal. I'm so thankful for the humanity of Jesus. I'm thankful for Jesus, period.

Behind the Smile

I used to be the girl that could hide everything behind a smile. Somewhere along the way, I became a lot more transparent. I guess sometimes that's a good thing? Sometimes we really just want to hide and pretend that life is peachy, and not have people look at us questioningly. Sometimes we don't want to talk about why we want to curl up in a ball and cry until we fall asleep. Sleep...that blessed escape.

I find myself in such a profound sadness right now. I hurt physically. I hurt emotionally. I hurt spiritually. I have been on such an emotional roller coaster lately. I know that tomorrow, I may be heading back up to the top of the coaster. Or the next day. I know it's coming. I know I won't stay where I'm at. But even that's little consolation to me right now. Here is what is a consolation though... I'm so glad I serve a God that loves broken people. I don't have to keep it together for Him. I can fall apart right into His arms and be loved unconditionally. I can't earn His love, and I can't lose His love. I just have it. What a comfort for me. Even when I don't understand His plan, I know, feel and trust His love.

I'm not a big Freud fan, but I do love this quote of his - "One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful". I have seen in my own life the beauty of surrendering it all to God, especially when there is simply no other option. You give it all to Him, and trust Him to make something beautiful out of the ashes and dust of your shattered dreams and plans. Only God can turn our messes into something beautiful, but it's only after we realize we can't do it on our own and surrender it to Him. And oftentimes what He makes of it is so much more than we ever would have asked for, or even imagined.

Have you ever heard the expression about having champagne taste on a beer budget? I think we have a tendency to be the opposite way with God. We ask for so much less than what He truly wants to give us, and I can just imagine the delight He takes in overwhelming us with His goodness. I know as a parent, I love giving my kids something bigger than what they were expecting. How much more must He love it?!?

Give me eyes to see You God, and not my circumstances. Give me a heart that yearns for intimacy with You. Give me a thirst for your Word. Mold me into the woman you created me to be, in spite of my getting in Your way time and time again.