No Pain No Gain

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”  ― C.S. Lewis

I first read this quote years ago and even then it resonated with me, long before I knew what REAL trials were, lol. I know that everything that God does is for my ultimate good. I know it will bring Him glory. I know one day I'll look back and be thankful for every single moment, no matter how painful. But I haven't figured out how to make that help me right now. I have such a hard time handling the unknown, wondering how long the painful parts will last. Then I feel guilty for having a hard time handling it, because I feel if I had more faith or read my Bible more or prayed more, or just did something more, I wouldn't feel that way.

Why do I view God as someone from whom I must earn favor? Does anyone else have this problem? He loves me. Just as I am. He loved me before I ever loved Him. He knows me better than I know myself. My fear does not take Him by surprise. When I cry out to Him asking "Why, God?" or "How long, God, will this last?" He knows the ache inside prompting the questions. He does not leave me comfortless, but so many times I initially reject the comfort because I am so fixated on wanting answers and wanting resolution. I know that this trial will last just as long as it needs to and not one second more to bring to pass what God wants to accomplish. And I know it will be a beautiful thing on the other side.

If I'm honest, I will admit that I'm not ready for the trial to be over from a spiritual standpoint. I know that I have not yet gotten everything out of this that I need to. I still have learning to do. Although I want the pain to go away, I don't want to continue living life in my own strength. I need to cultivate this intimate relationship with the lover of my soul, and to truly have it take precedence in my life. I guess this is definitely one of those cases where the saying "no pain no gain" is apropos. So, even though it hurts more than anything I've ever known, and even though I don't know when the end will come, Jesus, continue stirring my love for you, until I yearn for you above all else. Hold me close when the tears just won't stop, and soothe me with your promises.